Alright, Day 1 of the singledom chronicle. Weather watch: grey and drizzly. Mood: cautiously optimistic/horny. The plan for today: survive.
Okay, fine, things aren’t quite that bleak in my head, but I am seriously feeling some discomfort here. I am definitely a girl who doesn’t know how to be single. Who am I supposed to cook for?? What is the point in trying to be skinny and putting on makeup and shaving my legs and etc.? And who will supply the sex? Clearly I will fall into a sad state of unkempt disarray if this goes on, so I must get out there and find my soul mate as quickly as possible.
Of course, there are some problems with this vague intention. The first is that I can’t talk to strangers. Seriously. I am cripplingly shy and totally awkward, and not in an endearing “oh, that’s so cute” kind of way. The second is that I am not assertive; I will definitely wait for Prince Charming to fall into my lap. This in itself is fine, it’s the way most girls operate, but here’s the catch: you must be ATTRACTIVE for this technique (or lack thereof) to work properly! Now, I realize I’m not deformed and I have all my body parts attached, so I’m at least in the 50th percentile of available women, but that’s not going to net me Prince Charming. I clearly can’t rely on my sparkling wit (I don’t have such a thing) or my family money (again, nonexistent) to cover up for my physical deficincies, so what’s an average lady to do?
This is what this average lady plans to do: lose 10 pounds, grow my hair out to Disney Princess length, and focus more on being charming and engaging (HAH! Good luck me…) Then, when I have successfully ensnared Prince Charming, I can go back to being the lazy schlub I am now. As my plans go, this one is…flawed, but at least it’s kind of a direction for me to follow. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go make myself a wheatgrass power shake or something equally unpalatable for breakfast before I run a marathon.
